When I was in primary school, I had a longing to prove myself. If someone said, ‘It couldn’t be done’, you can be sure I’d be the first on the monkey bars swinging backwards. I’d be the one on the swings trying to hit the horizontal limit. If someone said, “No one would dare go down the underground construction site”, I was the one down there completely ignoring the boundaries between bravery and stupidity.

I could honestly say with total confidence, back then, I feared nothing. The only phobia I had was pantaphobia.

A few years back I stood at the ledge of a diving board and couldn’t move because the fear of drowning gripped me.

Last year while painting the church ceiling I suddenly was overcome with the fear of heights, or rather, the fear of falling to a 2 feet death.

Last week I stared at a semi-dead cockroach for at least 20 minutes before mustering the courage to move it.

As I grew older, suddenly everything posed a threat. Reality had sneaked up on me without me even knowing it.

I find myself now practical, logical, making sense. And it scares me. Because now I’ve come to a point where I can’t take risks.

When Pastor Troy Marshall came  a month ago, he spoke about equations. Facing reality, facing facts.

1+1=2. Call a ‘Spade’ a ‘Spade’.

But we have the ability to change the equation. We look at the equation for what it is, not using faith as an excuse to ignore reality, but denying its right to stay that way.

He talked about the paralytic man whose 4 friends lowered him down the roof to be healed by Jesus.

Their equation: Palsy Man+ Full House+ Blocked Door= No healing because no way to Jesus.

Then he talked about the woman with the issue of blood who reached out to the hem of Jesus’ cloak.

Her equation: Tumor+No Money=DEATH

Then there was the blind Barthameus who screamed for mercy at the city gates.

His equation: Poor+Blind=No Hope

What did they all have in common?

They radically refused to allow their equations to stay that way!

Jesus wasn’t the one who approached them, grabbed them by their collars and spoke change into their lives. THEY initiated their own miracles by acting out of desperation.

I mean, who breaks the roof of another mans house? Which woman in a male-dominated society would reach out to touch a male celebrity while bleeding profusely when if caught even bumping into a man could mean her own life? Who would stand at the gates of a city and shout at the top of lungs for mercy?

I look at the place I’m at right now, and fear has paralyzed my progress.

Sometimes I forget I serve a motion-sensitive God. I move, then He moves.

If I do what I’ve always done, I’ll get the results I’ve always gotten.


I need a radical change. A paradigm shift. I don’t want to stay this way anymore.

I need to change my equation. I need to start getting desperate.

Inspired by Pastor Troy Marshall

On a side note: The Making of Missing Sun is out!

Thinking of: Folliculaphilia, the Black Beast in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, One Directions’ Torn, Madagascar 3 and Missing Sun Photo shoot tomorrow.

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