Life’s brief candle (Tribute to a loved one)

“To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
   Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
   To the last syllable of recorded time,
   And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
   The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
   Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
   That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
   And then is heard no more: it is a tale
   Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
   Signifying nothing.”

~William Shakespeare~

***

I watch over your lifeless body and think, “How did we get here?”

I remember you screaming, “I need time!”

Now I scream the same but you gently tell me through your dilated pupils, “See it through my perspective, honey, time is something we don’t have. Deal with it.”

The brevity of life puts things in perspective. Everything else in comparison hardly seems significant. Losing you was like a slap across the face. Suddenly I notice how unnaturally beautiful you actually are in your catafalque. Suddenly I remember the little things that make you laugh at me. I remember the things you found annoying. I remember the last thing I said to you. I remember the time I wasted not getting to know you. The opportunity cost of letting go a little of our relationship over something petty I can’t seem to recall now. The times I could hug you but chose not to. Oh, how trivial our disagreements seem now that you’re no longer here.

I take hold of your cold, brutal hand. I squeeze it a little, hoping I have the power to pump a little life.

Nothing.

I guess what I’m saying is I’m sorry. Sorry for all of the above. Sorry it’s over for us. Sorry I can’t get it right this time around. Sorry I never said I love you enough. Sorry I’m so emo now it’s ridiculous.

And I know this is so cliché but I’m sincerely sorry for taking you for granted.

I want to promise I won’t make this mistake with everyone else in my life. But I’m only human. 

As I let go of your limp hand, it occurs to me; none of this matters to you. This is for my peace of mind.

I mean seriously, like as if you read my blog or facebook notes.

I don’t know why I didn’t say it to you when you were alive but you made a difference in my life. I was just a little late in noticing it.

Thank you.

Also just thought you should know the world is a little out of balance (for me, at least) now that you’ve made it lighter.

***1_812885622l

To all my friends who have lost loved ones, friends and family this year, you holding it together and holding on is an inspiration to me. I trust God has His reasons. But you have truly made sweet lemonade out of what lemons you were dealt. Thank God we don’t have to do this alone.

The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.

~Isaiah 57:1-2~

Love,

Sumie

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