At the age of 12, I gave God Almighty; a.k.a. the God of heaven and earth, an ultimatum.
S: “God, if You don’t show Yourself to me right this instant, we are through!”
I waited impatiently for the earthquake that would shatter my bedroom windows followed by the descension of a roaring lion as the heavens parted over my two-storey house proceeded by fireworks that would put Sydney’s New Year Eve ones to shame.
Nothing happened that day but I never quite stopped asking God for those visual/audible “signs” proving He existed or cared for me. Insecurities played up, I suppose. Of course there were those ‘My-God-that-can’t-be a-coincidence’ moments that made me feel warm inside as God soothed my doubts. But I never stopped myself from comparing my, what could only be described at the time as a ‘humdrum-confused-on-a-tightrope-across-a-dark-foggy-abyss’ walk with God, with other people around me that had this life with God filled with fireworks and face-to-face encounters. Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Peter,
Steve Jobs, etc. the list goes on. I mean, what was the difference between me and them? Maybe it’s because I’m Indian. I love those rare firework moments but sometimes I wish I had more of them like those guys did as opposed to the modest sparks I get on a daily basis. Life would be more exciting that way.
This incessant need to see more fireworks turned into this obsession that made me more and more frustrated because it just wasn’t happening. I was so angry at God. I mean He should be so lucky *I* am making an effort to want to see Him do great things. Right? The disappointment as again God chose to be silent began to eat me up inside. It all didn’t make sense.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will answer you. You will seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord”
It didn’t seem like God was playing hard to get. I think He wanted this more than I did. It got me thinking about the prodigal son; a man who didn’t understand his father’s love. The bitter pill brought him to a junction where he either had to leave his home unsatisfied or stay completely miserable.
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
1 Kings 19:11-12
J: Can you thank Me for trusting you with just these small experiences even if I never tell you why?
Today I feel grateful because You chose me. Grateful You tolerate me when I complain there aren’t enough displays of fireworks in my life. Grateful I’ve come a long way since that afternoon I gave you an ultimatum. And definitely very grateful You did not smite me for my blasphemy.
It’s the small experiences that remind me no matter how big You are, the little things that matter to me don’t go unnoticed by You even if it manages to slip by me.
Thinking of: Love Mera Hit Hit and PARADISE ALBUM RECORDING!