Now and Then I Think of All The Times You Screwed Me Over

My mother firmly believes I have a flaw that even Jesus can’t rectify:

I place too much trust in friends. Even after they screw me over.

Kinda like a dog going back to it’s vomit.

When I was in Primary 1, there were these two girls in my class who, for convenience sake, we’ll call Stickinbutt. They would on a daily basis have changing opinions on my status as being their friend. When they felt like it they would include me in their games, and when they didn’t, I would be completely ignored.

I would often cry in my mother’s lap afterwards about how I failed as a human being. She didn’t understand my obsession with these two girls when I could just go make new friends in my class of 30 students but as a loving mother she tried to make me happy. If being friends with these two morons did it, then she wanted to do what she could.

So one morning she took my hand and we went to meet Stickinbutt. She calmly and rationally explained that their behaviour was not right because it’s not nice to leave people out and be mean to them. After the short lecture, they nodded sweetly to my mother, “Yes, Aunty.” My mother, feeling so proud of us for making up bought us M&M’s as a treat and left.

The moment she was gone, we ate the M&M’s in awkward silence, everyone avoiding eye contact with one another. I felt like such a taddle-tale but a little happier that I got through to them about cherishing my friendship. After all, I gave them food as a peace offering.

When the recess bell rang, Stickinbutt went out to play and I followed behind.

Because it had rained the night before, the field we usually play in had pools of mud and mire everywhere. I thought we would play indoors but surprisingly Stickinbutt said to me, “Why don’t we go and play on the field?”

Now, I didn’t want to get my clean white school shoes wet and dirty, but we had just made up and I didn’t want to get on their bad side so I said okay and trudged out onto the field with them.

I heard warning bells in my head telling me to turn back when they did something very unusual, they led me to the forbidden part of the school, the very quiet, deserted end of the field where even the school gardener doesn’t go to.

When we were about 7 feet from the school border, they said to me, ‘Let’s play a game. Let’s see who can jump furthest towards the school fence.’

They told me I had to go first.

I was petrified to jump into mud but I also wanted acceptance. So I swallowed my pride and common sense and leapt.

When I landed, I immediately began sinking into the ground and my feet were thoroughly covered to my ankles in mud in a matter of seconds.

I couldn’t pull up my feet because it was too deep in the thick mud and my hands were struggling to find solid ground.

I heard them laughing at me and when I looked up they were running away back towards class.

I shouted, “Hey! Don’t leave me! Help! I can’t get out!”

I started panicking as I realized I was too far away from the classrooms or people for anyone to hear me.

Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, it started raining and I tasted the rain mingled with my tears.

I kinda had the same feeling a few days ago.

The feeling that people would take your friggin’ M&M’s and run away laughing while you’re sinking in wet mud.

You’d think after an incident like that I’d be more careful in thinking friends would be there for you.

I never learned my lesson.

Jesus, I know I can’t really say anything when they’ve decided not to come support me. I just thought I meant more after everything we’ve been through. Guess booking in advance means diddly-squat now. Help me to look at the bigger picture here. I want to be childish and remind them that I tried my best to be there for them when I could, why couldn’t they repay the favour?! I gave them my friggin’ M&M’s! But then You remind me when I do things I must never be calculative or ask for anything in return. It’s not about me after all, it’s about You. Thank You for Your peace that I may hold nothing against them.

Stop trusting in mere humans,
    who have but a breath in their nostrils.
    Why hold them in esteem?

Isaiah 2:22

On a side note: MISSING SUN PRODUCTION in 9 DAYS!!!!

Here’s the album, go to our page at for more pics.

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Thinking of: Brave being an honest disgrace to the Disney name, all the Korean gifts from my awesome bff :3, Pentatonix’s mind-blowing cover of Somebody That I Used To Know, Oat 25, practice tonight, my package arriving 5 days early and MISSING SUN in 9 DAYS!!!!

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