Tears For Food, Sorrow For Water

If you want to know the true nature of a person, turn the heat up.

Dr Neal Patterson

Parental Discretion Advised.

I’ve been in a funk.

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed.

The reason for it, doesn’t matter. Because dwelling on things I cannot change has proved superfluous.

What matters more than anything, is moving forward. In the right direction.

My sister asked me, “How do you get out of an emotional tornado?”

And I genuinely had to reflect. After all these months, have I really come any closer to getting back on track? Or at the very least WANTING to?

It was a bumpy road. I knew it wasn’t the end of my life but it sure felt like it. Helpless and weak. Like I just wasn’t capable of making any right decisions ever again.

I have been on that emotional roller coaster triggered by as little as pictures or updates on Facebook, or someones blog, or something someone says, or something I see on the TV.

I didn’t feel suicidal, because I’m too cowardly to pull the trigger, but I did feel like there was no escape. I cursed the bl**dy alcoholics and drug addicts daily because unlike them, I had to endure this sh*t sober.

At one point I felt so alone. Like no one was there for me, no one could understand, no one was bothered. I felt like I was in an abyss of darkness and confusion.

So drama, I know.

I spent hours crying in complete brokenness before a very present listener. Hours that turned into weeks and then months.

Months that gave me unrelenting nightmares, robbed me of sleep, appetite and the will to get out of bed or smile.

I could literally hear the demons taunting me, “Where is God now?”

My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me all the day long,
“Where is your God?”

Psalms 42:3 (emphasis mine)

After ALL the prayer, nothing has changed in my situation. But my attitude towards it has.

One morning I woke up and asked myself in exasperation, “When will this effing valley end?”, and I came across a passage in Jeremiah, where Jeremiah tells God his troubles and God says to him, “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses?”

What I really read was, “Well Sumi, if you think you have issues now, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

At a very glorious moment of epiphany, it hit me. Troubles are here to stay. 

And I felt this desire well up in the pit of my stomach.

I don’t want to keep hoping I’ll see a ray of light. I don’t want to keep envisioning I’m in a valley or a dessert or a pit or a tunnel or storm or a tornado or some shadow of death that needed to pass.

Life is meant to be lived, not endured as if it’s some kind of suffering to be over and done with.

The only shadow I want to envision myself in is the shadow of His wings.

Believe it or not, just when I thought I was in the deepest emotional pit dug to man, I found people who have lost so much more and fought an emotionally bloody battle to not only plough through but find the strength to encourage others.

Life Without Lizzie

Superwoman- Draw My Life

I am back on the road to recovery. I have decided that this particular valley has ended.

I will keep keeping on with my Keeper.

If one is looking for answers, then nothing can satisfy the hunger for truth except for the One who IS the truth, the way and the life.

My God is big. Strong. Mighty. He’s MY God. He is my refuge. He’s the rock on which I stand. He’s my fortress. My God, He is my life. He holds the oceans in His hands. There’s nothing my God cannot do.

Assurance welded with trust leaves no breathing space for a parasite like doubt to survive.

That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive;

Ephesians 4:14

On a side note: Life is too short.

Thinking of: Minions. Cory Monteith. Minions. Minions.

2 thoughts on “Tears For Food, Sorrow For Water

  1. No other way around it I guess. Its a combo of refining and God’s sense of humour

  2. 😥 them feels. Went through an emotional turmoil too & yes, realised that when dealing with people, the circumstances rarely change, my attitude is the 1 that’s changing

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